This is A HOME which strongly stood out while I was in my silent day. I have to say that I am truly appreciative of my tooth issue, and it is absolutely one of the supports to help me be silent. Though I felt painful and uncomfortable during this period, it reminded me of calmness and slowness at the same time. While I was calmer and slowing down my every path, I was feeling the discomfort truly staying with me, and it was what it was. While I was more noticing “it was what it was”, I was noticing less worry and disturbance along with the silent time. Though I practiced in the hospital, I did not feel I was in the hospital, instead, I was just in space. Space was just a space without any location or name. Moreover, there was no time and I even did not think about the time. Time was just a number and it was just defined by people. All I noticed was dawn, daylight, dusk, and night.
For a moment, I felt I was so lonely. I asked myself if I was isolated from the world or I was isolated from myself. I continued looking at this loneliness, and eventually, I found out it was not loneliness, instead, it was a complete oneness. I felt I was completed outwardly and inwardly. I have a body to move, I have a breath to breathe, I have a mind to think, I have the sense to feel, I have a soul to connect, and I have the wisdom to receive and give. I was composed of them to live my life and explore in this world. As I was connecting to this point, I was feeling “Ah-ha” that I was at A HOME, a unique and unmatched Xu-ya’s home! While I was feeling I was at my home right here and now, everything seemed to fade out and even disappear.
I connected to impermanence. I am a person who has a strong sense of responsibility and faith, and I always regard everything as important things. Therefore, if I decide to complete one goal, I must spend 200% energy achieving it. If I promise someone to provide my favor, I must support as best as I can until she/he resolves all issues. Since always, I have realized my individuality, and also have tried to adjust it to be more balanced. Because I had understood as well as experienced how huge pressure I had ever had, and it had caused some of my health issues as well. However, through this silent day, I further realized that I was still beyond my edge, and I have not let go of many things yet. Also, I am still living with lots of worries. I am worried about my grandparents’ health, my parents’ relationship, my siblings’ jobs, my dog’s health, my clients’ situations, my training students’ progressions, my personal relationship, my IAYT programs, and my working plans., etc. Most of the time I think about how I can do or handle to make it better and progress consistently, even more I throw away what I have been practicing- being with it right now. In other words, I always go into the future easily and still a perfectionist. Though I have been transforming and adjusting constantly, I am still trapped in my personality and habitual behavior somehow.
I am fully appreciative that I could precisely and sincerely see and hear at my home again through this silence practice. Besides, my illness came at the right time. Both of them intensely led me to practice letting go, relaxing, and inaction. It is like Lao Zi’s philosophy: “Letting things take their own course.” It is also a crucial essence of being here and now. In addition, I perceived the underneath of my worry is control. Although I am not the same crazy control as before, somehow I still get used to making all paces set in order. As a result, when there is something or someone out of the order, I can handle it calmly but spending lots of my energy.
The entire phenomenon informed me to continue learning “take easy”. Starting from taking it easy in my daily life. I still work along with my schedule but with an easier attitude instead of a serious one. More correctly, I have to learn to BE with my job instead of DOing my job. After all, I love my job and I enjoy it, yet with an enjoyable love instead of a strict love. Taking it easy to take care of myself. To learn eating whatever I want and sleeping whenever I feel sleepy as long as I am in mindfulness. To learn listening to my body/heart much more than my brain/responsibility as long as I need for my present situation.
I have to say it is really difficult to implement at once I am not aware of my presence. However, I am 200% sure that only practicing mindfully is the way to release my tension and increase my easiness. When I am on my way to easiness, I am also extending my easy energy and vibes to people who are around me. Likewise, my professional work will become much simpler, easier, as well as more truthful because of my changed attitude. In this way, my clients, students, and I can interact with each other naturally without any extra fancy skill, and also grow up together automatically.
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