Discernment is difficult, particularly while I was impatient with myself or I was trying to figure out an answer deliberately. It stood out so obvious while I was in the practice or I was doing the silent walk. During the practice this week, I noticed when I was dropped in and perceived presently and purely, I could sense and closer to the entire “what’s happening now”. Instead, if some voices were raised and I tried to listen to them clearly, such as “Is there any specialty here?” or “What is it?”, I was totally dragged out of the presence. And, when I found out that I was not in my present, I might judge or be rude to myself like “You? Out of the present again?” or “Hey you, be concentrate!” The more I attempted to do some ways, the farther the discernment went away. Then, I realized the discernment is like an attentive witness standing and watching right here and right now, and I just have to spend much more time being with it. Therefore, paying much more patience to myself becomes my practice again.
Being patient with myself is a consistent practice in my life. I could observe myself that I have been continuing practicing it since my PRYT journey started in 2015. I could see how much progress I have progressed, however, meanwhile I could see how much shortage I still have. Though I have been transformed a lot, I still could see my inherent personality. Then, it comes up with other questions: “Do I really accept my inherent personality? I transformed myself because I truly intended to change from my heart, or just because I thought it was not good enough for my life?” While the above questions were raising during my silent walk, I felt there was a shocking blow that woke me up! I transformed because I was noticing, feeling, perceiving and intending to progress for myself, and it was the natural process without any anticipation. Likewise, I discern because I notice something with my curiosity, and I just look at it further with my magnifier. Indeed, it is a simple process. It is me to make it complicated. It informed me that one of my inherent personality still exists… Yet, when I noticed and just be with it instead of criticizing, I felt relieved.
Being present right here and right now is still a crucial practice for me at present. Along with the practice each week, I have been noticing that I easily think about the future. Particularly, I witnessed it becomes a little severe recently. I knew parts of the reasons are from the COVID situation, and also some unexpected death at my side. Therefore, it made me easily worried, fearful and even anxious. I knew they were also reasons for making me have a sudden illness two weeks ago. I am continuing to remind myself of being present. And, the silent walk and meditation, and of course, the fixed webinars support me extremely in my recent state!